My brother is Homeless

I was thinking about him today because I saw a guy panhandling and I thought maybe it was him.


I tried to help him.  I really did.  I talked to him about the choices he was making (drugs, alcohol, grand theft auto, etc.) and what the consequences of those choices could be.  We talked about the fact that our childhood was kind of messed up because he blamed his bad 'habits' on that. 

Yes, our parents were both alcoholics.  Yes, we were emotionally neglected.  But I told him "the way you turn out is not up to them.  It's up to you."  I talked to him about his son.  That he needed a father who was there for him.  Not one who was in prison more often than not.  I've let him move in with me several times.  It never works out.  At one point I was supporting my grown daughter and her boyfriend, my brother, and my two youngest kids.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  Plus I didn't like the people he was bringing to my home, to my children's home.  I finally asked him to leave.

He's come back several times since.  I've let him spend a night here and there on the couch but that's it.  I've kept his things for him for as long as I've been living here.  A few months ago, I decided I needed to get rid of some of it.  I hadn't heard from him in over a year and I'm planning on moving soon.  I started going through his things, not wanting to throw away anything he really needed.  I threw away quite a lot of things and then I came across a letter he wrote.  I hadn't planned on reading it but the phrase "my trashy sister"  just sprung out at me so I did.  I know it was wrong of me but there you go. 

He was telling someone how horrible I was, how he had to put on an act so I would let him live with me but how much he couldn't wait to get out.  He talked trash about me, my boyfriend, my kids.  It really hurt me.  I have always known that my brother is selfish and that he would steal from me but I still believed in my heart that he loved me.  Now I know he doesn't.  He's the most selfish person I've ever known.  I have tried so hard to help him.  I was so mad I wanted to throw his things away but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I know I have to let him go.  He's just not a good person.  But it hurts.  And I feel guilty for even thinking about telling him to stay away the next time I see him. 

I have a hard time letting go of relationships.  Any relationship.  I worked too hard to have people in my life that I care about and that care about me.  It took me years to be able to hug a friend.  It took me years to have real friends.  I learned how to really love from my kids and my family is so important to me.  I kept hoping he would get his shit together but I realize now he never will.  And as flawed as I knew him to be, I didn't realize what an ugly person he really was.  It should make it easy but it doesn't.