There are more things in heaven and earth...

I'm a cynic.  I wouldn't call myself a non-believer because I try to keep an open mind but I want PROOF.  Those ghost hunter shows just crack me up.  I mean seriously - the ghosts are always there right when the film crews are there, right on time for the next show.  Yeah, right.  And people who hear voices, people who converse with God, nut-jobs right?  Right!  Well, maybe.

Because I can't dismiss God, spirits, even ghosts indeterminately.  I can't because I've had some experiences that have left me wondering.

1.  The first occurred about 12 years ago when I was still married.  As anyone who's been married for a while and has small kids can tell you, together time is hard to find.  My husband and I had planned a date night and I was running late so, as usual, I was hauling ass.  All of a sudden I heard a voice - say "SLOW DOWN!"  First I dismissed it.  I told myself - Ok girl, you are clearly losing it, hearing things, crazy woman, etc. etc.  But I couldn't dismiss the feeling of abject terror that came over me when I heard the voice.  Have you ever had a gun barrel pressed against your forehead?  I have.  And this voice produced the same feeling in me as looking down the barrel of that gun did.  So, I slowed down.  A few minutes later my tire blew out and my car veered across the road.  I did a complete 360 before I managed to pull over to the side of the road.  I sat in my car shaking.  Literally shaking with goosebumps all over me.  A little further down the road was a sharp curve with a bridge just past it.  I kept thinking that that's where my tire would have blown if I hadn't slowed down. 
Was it ESP, was it my guardian angel?  I don't know.  I wish I did but I don't.

2.  I have a friend who used to be a bull-rider.  Championship buckles and all.  He's also a poet.  Calls himself the Cowboy Poet.  He came to town one night for a poetry reading and invited me to come along.  He was one of several poets who got up to read some of their poetry.  One of them was an elderly Indian gentleman.  I sat in that brightly lit room in a folding chair and was completely carried away by his poetry.  Enough so that I sat there with my eyes closed,  just listening.  I smelled the campfire smoke, I heard the crackling of the wood popping in the fire, I felt the breeze, and when I opened my eyes the room was filled with mist.  I mean really, I SAW mist rolling in the room as though we were outside.  Afterwards I jokingly told my friend I must have skipped one too many meals because I was seeing things and told him what had happened.  I laughed it off but to be honest it shook me.  He went on to tell the old Indian gentlemen who told him that I was very lucky because I had been touched by the spirits.
Was it the spirits?  Was I just caught up in the moment?  I don't know but I can tell you one thing I am not at all a visual person.  I can't visualize anything.  Not the faces of people I've known for years, not even my kids.  Where does that leave me?  Wondering.  That's all.

As Shakespeare wrote "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." 

Dating Sucks

I was telling my friend I never have anything to blog about.  My life is just not that exciting.  She suggested I blog about some of my dating experiences.  So, here goes: 

Once I had a girlfriend in from out of town.  We decided to go out to a club, and met some friends from my job there.  One of the guys I had been friends with for a while and always kind of had a crush on.  Well, he ends up coming home with us in my car.  His roomie and his gf are going by their place to pick up some tequila and then joining us at my house.  He starts groping me in the car.  He is all over me which I excuse because by this time we're both pretty drunk and honestly that is why I was taking him home!  I am a little pissed off that he can't be a little more discreet.  I mean we're in the backseat of a car and we're not in high school anymore but he does back off when I say something so it's all good. 

We go to my place, my friend is in the living room with a guy I hooked her up with, we're in the bedroom.  I'm thinking he's pretty drunk so I'm going to make sure I get something out of the deal before he passes out and I make him go down on me.  Lovely.  But now, I'm drunk and tired and not in the mood.  I know - selfish of me - I'm not always nice people.  So I get up and leave.  When I come back he's got his jeans on and he's digging through my purse.  I get pissed.  I'm drunk and pissed which equals stupid.  This guy was about 6'2 and 200+ lbs and I push him up against the wall and am yelling at him and digging through his pants pockets to see if he got anything out of my purse.  My friend Rodney comes in to see what's going on and when I tell him he goes off on him too.  He's yelling and telling him to get the fuck out of my house, that he's not letting anybody fuck with his friend.  So now I've got this drunk guy wearing nothing but jeans stumbling around in my front yard.  And all my neighbors are in some religous cult where the women never wear pants and always have their hair in buns.  Peachy keen.

I tell my friends that we can't leave him outside in my neighborhood like that.  Fine.  We decide to drive him back to the bar so he can get in his car.  He's really wasted and as we grab his shirt, shoes, etc. for him I find a big bag of black pills.   I don't know what they are and don't really want to.  We manage to get him in the car and start driving.  All of a sudden he starts talking shit and he's groping me again, which I am totally not in the mood for.  Rodney stops the car and tells him to get the hell out if he can't act right.  The guys starts talking shit again and Rodney pulls him out of the car and throws one punch and the guy is out for the count.  In the bushes in the country out.  I don't know what to do.  He's big.  How do we get him back in the car?  Rodney says we don't but I feel bad about it because it is around 15 miles to the bar and out in the boonies.  But there was no way we were going to get him back in the car.  So off we go. 

A couple of hours later his roomie calls and wants to know what the hell happened.  He had finally made it home.  Walked/hitchhiked back to Austin, drove and wrecked his car, lost his wallet, and couldn't remember a single thing that happened.  Next day at work he blamed it all on the pills, apologized, etc. etc. but while we got along ok at work, the friendship was history.  Just goes to show you never really know people as well as you think you do, and oh yeah

dating sucks.

5 for Friday

1. Do you know how to play a musical instrument?


No, I would love to but have never found the time. Or the money. lol I figure I must have really bad time management skills. Other people always seem to have time for hobbies and I never do. *sigh*

2. What is your pet peeve while driving?

Oh don't get me started! lol I suffer from a very serious case of road rage. So:

1. People who drive slow in the fast lane, aka people who don't drive as fast as me in the fast lane. Seriously it's supposed to be the PASSING lane. It doesn't matter how fast you're going. If the person behind you wants to go faster just move over.

2. People who stop at yield signs. You DO NOT HAVE TO STOP! If you did don't you think it would be a freakin stop sign?!!

3. People who enter the interstate at 30-40 mph. GO GO GO! You are supposed to be at interstate speeds by the time you get on it. That's how you merge with traffic!

4. Tailgaters. Ok, I understand if you're trying to tell me to move my slow ass over. But if I can't? Really what do you want me to do? Drive through the car in front of me? If I could move over I would.

Or tailgaters on one-lane country roads. Sorry dude, I am NOT going 75 mph on a bumpy ass country road. Nope. Just deal with it. Your tailgating me will only serve to piss me off and make me go slower and slower.

5. Just plain rude people who won't let you in. Is it really going to kill you to let me in? I mean seriously? I make it a rule to let at least 1 or 2 cars in just to be nice. Not all of them, mind you - I've got places to be too. lol

3. Would you rather have a housekeeper or unlimited spa services?

The spa services, unless it's one of those housekeeping services where they send hot young men to clean your home in the nude. Now, THAT would be a tough choice.

4. Is there a song that you hear that will take you back to the moment, like a junior high or high school dance?

The Rolling Stones Wild Horses always reminds me of my first 'serious' relationship. Elton John's Crocodile Rock reminds me of driving with my kids when they were little. They loved that song and we would belt it out! There's lots more. I love music! A good song can send chills down my back.

5. What song best represents your life right now?

Alice Cooper's "School's out for Summer!" :)

5 Question Fridays

Ok yeah, so I'm a few days late - better late than never!

1. What is your favorite thing about summertime?


No School! lol Going back to school has made me appreciate summer vacation again. Even if I'm still working, at least my afternoons and weekends are my own. And going to the coast. This is the first year my granddaughters are going so I'm really excited!



2. What is your ideal retirement location (if money didn't matter)?

If money didn't matter I'd have 2 places and I'd migrate like the birds do. I'd keep a place here in Austin, just because my family is here. The other place would be right on a beach somewhere.



3. Do you live in the same town you grew up in?

Nope. I consider Lockhart my hometown even though I only lived there for about 6 years. We moved a lot before that but that is where we finally settled.



4. What nervous habit did you have as a child that you kicked to the curb before becoming an adult?

I guess nailbiting. I used to do that quite a bit.



5. What is the most embarrassing thing that happened to you while on the job?

My very first 'office' job was working as a receptionist. I had to say "Good Morning, Merchants & Professional Credit Bureau, May I help you please?" One morning instead of saying May i help you I accidentally said May I please you. The whole front office was laughing at me. It just so happened to be my boyfriend on the phone and he asked me if that's how I always answered the phone!

Sex, Drugs, and Suicide

I just watched an episode of Dexter.  The episode where he joins N.A.  It made me think of my brief experience with that group.

I was really messed up about 5 years ago.  I mean REALLY.  Looking back now I see how crazy my thinking was but at the time it all made perfect sense.  I had just dropped my kids off with their father.  I cried he whole 1 1/2 hour long trip back to my house.  I was at a place where I really felt that I corrupted every thing I touched and I didn't want to corrupt my children.  Up until that point, I had always looked at suicides with scorn.  I always thought of suicide as the most wanton act of selfishness possible.  But all that long drive home, it's all I thought about.

I had a bunch of coke at home.  More than I would ever do at once, but that night I decided the world would be a better place without me in it.  At first I did all the coke.  I thought I would o.d. and everyone would believe it was an accident.  I sat in the tub so fucking coked out I couldn't stop shaking and I hated myself.  I sat there with a hammer in my hand and I just kept hitting myself with it.  I know it sounds crazy.  It was crazy.  I was crazy.

I finally realized I wasn't going to o.d. so I got out of the tub and found a box cutter.  I stabbed myself in the wrist and pulled it down towards me.  I bled so much.  I was sitting there bleeding and bleeding and all I could think about was that I was ruining the carpet.  So I got a towel and very lightly wrapped it around my arm to absorb the blood.  I had a fight with my boyfriend earlier which wasn't the reason for this, but I was worried he would think so.  To me the fight was just one more sign that I ruined everything I touched.  I did not want to leave him thinking that it was his fault.   I tried to call him but he didn't answer.  I was frantic - I felt like I had to let him know it wasn't because of him.  I called a friend of his.  By this time, I was hyperventilating from the coke, and light-headed and cold from the loss of blood.  His friend could tell something was wrong.  He said he was going to hang up and call 911.  But I told him I was just super high.  I did not want to be stopped. 
I wanted to die. 
I finally convinced him I was ok and hung up.

I ended up emailing my boyfriend.  Trying to explain.   The towel around my wrist was completely soaked so I got another one and rewrapped my arm.  When I was done, I laid down on the floor and waited to die.  I felt so peaceful.  For the first time in my life I just let go of everything.  I have never forgotten that calm and peaceful feeling.

I woke up in the morning.  At first I was really angry.  I felt like I was such a complete and utter fuck-up that I couldn't even do this right.  But I also took it as a sign.  I wasn't meant to die.  At least not by my own hand.   I went to the store for gauze and the cashier bandaged my arm for me.  I told her I hurt myself doing home repairs.  That's the story I told everyone.  Then I joined N.A.

I didn't go for long.  I'm not trying to knock it.  It works for some people.  It just wasn't for me.  All that talking about our old drug crazed escapades.  It just made me want to relive them.  I would sit in the meetings and want coke so bad it made my teeth hurt.  I don't know how else to explain it. 

What it did for me though was show me what my true addiction was.  It showed me how much I hated myself and how hard I worked at hurting myself.  My addiction wasn't coke, it was trying to destroy myself.  I saw all the ways I had tried to do that in my life.  From playing russian roulette and hitchhiking as a teenager to random sex with strangers, all the drugs I've done, and all the bad relationships I've been in.  And every time I was in a relationship I was clean.  No drugs.  I didn't need to hurt myself with drugs because my bf or husband was doing it for me by beating the crap out of me, cheating on me, or just generally treating me like dirt.

I haven't done drugs since.  Nothing.  Nada.   For me, self-knowledge has always been a powerful tool.  I've avoided relationships with men.  I don't trust myself enough yet to have a healthy relationship.  I'm working on myself.  It was hard at first.  I've always used drugs to deal with the pain of my childhood.  For the first time in my life I let myself feel the feelings instead of drugging them away.  It hurt.  It still hurts but not as much.  I'm getting better.  And I'm happy.  Most importantly, I've learned to like myself.  I think clearly now.  I will NEVER do that again.  Now I know, my children need me.  Even though they're grown.  I'm proud of them.  And even though I'm ashamed for what I did, I've learned to forgive myself and be proud of myself for learning from it.

Wow.  I didn't mean for this to be such a long and dark blog.  Now you know, why I'm anonymous.  I don't want the people I love to know these things about me.  There are very few people who even knew I was doing drugs.  Certainly not my family, or my co-workers.  And even fewer who know I tried to kill myself.  I'm a person with a lot of secrets.  I wish I wasn't.  I'm hoping this blog will let me slowly bring them to the light so I can finally put them all behind me.

5 Question Fridays :)

I have not been doing really well at this blogging thing. I just can't find the time!


Yesterday I babysat. My daughter has kicked her boyfriend out 3 times in the last month. She works nights and he works days which means they don't have a daycare or babysitter. That means when she kicks him out her sister and I have to take turns watching the girls. It's getting old. Not the babysitting part, because I love those little monsters, but the on again off again with the boyfriend. She did the same thing with the boyfriend before him. Oh well, it's her decision and I need to just stay out of it!

Onward...my friend and fellow blogger posted a link to a new blog she's following. The blogger posts five questions every Friday for everyone to copy and paste into their own blogs. Here's the blog address: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/2010/06/five-question-friday-61110.html Sounded like fun to me so here goes:

1. What do you think makes a good friend, or friendship?

Honesty and trust are major for me. Anything I say to a friend in confidence should stay between the two of us. A lot of people say that you should be able to step into a good friendship even after not having talked to someone for ages and be able to pick up where you left off. That's true, to a point. But I think a good friendship requires work, just like any relationship. Maybe for whatever reason, you can't hang out, but you should be able to call or email or keep in touch some other way. Most importantly, a good friend is someone you can be wholly yourself with, someone who loves you unconditionally. I always think of my friends as the family I got to pick!


2. What is the last thing you bought & later regretted?

I bought a cd burner for my computer around 2 years ago. It's still in the box. One of these days...


3. Have you ever had a prank played on you?

Nothing major - just minor stuff. Like once, when I was new at my job they had me page Iwanna Mann. Yeah, stuff like that. lol


4. What is your favorite theme park?

I'm not a big fan of theme parks - they're too crowded and the lines are too damn long. I did enjoy Universal Studios though so I guess that would be my fav.


5. Have you ever seen someone else give birth?

My daughter had c-sections both times so while I was there at the hospital, I didn't get to see the actual births. That's the closest I've come.