I'm Fat!

I'm fat. and no, I'm not being hard on myself and I'm not exhibiting low self-esteem - just self-awareness. I could pretty it up by saying I'm voluptous or fluffy but those are just words fat people (and the people that love them) use to make it seem not quite so bad.

But you know what? I'm ok with being fat. That doesn't mean I've given up or that I'm one of those people who pretends I'd rather be fat than thin. Nope, just that in the present, in the here and now, I like myself just the way I am. Warts and all. Fat and all.

I remember a time when I was really thin and I thought I was HUGE. I wouldn't go to the pool if anyone else was out there. I played hooky from one work one day just to go to the pool when I thought no one would be there. Of course someone else had the same idea and came to the pool after I was already comfortably ensconced in my pool side lounge chair. I put my towel on one side and my bag on the other side (to hide my huge thighs) and laid there until everyone left. I laid there for HOURS. I laid there so long I blistered and thought I was going to die of heat stroke.

Looking back I see how ridiculous and downright stupid that was. I weighed about 110 lbs but that is not what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I saw ugly ugly ugly and fat.

Now I really am fat (lol) and when I look in the mirror I see the fat but I also see me. The me who raised three kids on her own, sometimes working 16-hour days to make sure they had a nice place to live, nice clothes, and food on the table, the me who survived childhood sexual abuse, drug and alcohol use, and two abusive marriages, the me who is finally going back to school, is still the eternal optimist, and who still believes in the overall goodness of people.

So yeah, I'm fat. Who cares? If all someone sees when they look at me is a fat middle-aged woman, then they're missing out. I'm a caterpillar now baby but one of these days I'll be a butterfly!