Epiphany

Sometimes a book is just a book.  Something to do, to enjoy and nothing more.  Same with a movie, or a song for that matter.  Sometimes it strikes a chord and makes you realize something about yourself or helps you through something you're struggling with.  This has happened to me several times.

The first time was after I decided to quit doing drugs.  I'm not talking about a little weed here and there, I'm talking about mainlining speed, daily acid trips, and basically anything else I could get my hands on. 

One night I had a bad acid trip.  Bad enough that I almost didn't make it back.  I can't describe it to anyone who hasn't been there.  It was like I was dangling over this dark abyss of nothingness, holding on to something at the edge with just one hand.  I felt like I barely managed to hold on and keep from falling.  It made me realize I needed to stop.  So I did - everything - and cold turkey.

I had a rough few weeks.  Weeks where I didn't sleep because I had nightmares.  Horrible nightmares which I woke from sitting up in bed, heart pounding, pulse racing and sweating rivers.  I saw tracers for about 2-3 weeks afterwards.  I also had panic attacks.  Anytime I finally started to fall asleep a panic attack would come on.  I thought I was losing it.  I thought I was going to die. 

Now being me, it never even crossed my mind to talk to anyone about it or seek help anywhere.  I just dealt with it the best I could.  Then, late one night I saw a Nightline on anxiety attacks.  It made me realize I wasn't going crazy, that this was something others went through, that this was something I could beat. 

I was reading Dune at the time.  There's a litany in Dune that the characters use to face their fears.  It goes like this  "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." 

It may sound stupid to you but I used it whenever I had a panic attack.  I used it and it worked.  I stopped trying to fight them.  I just let them come.  I let them wash over me in waves and afterwards, there I was.  Still ok, still me.  Finally, it happened less and less often and it's been 5 years since I last had one. 

Thank you  Frank Herbert - I think you saved my sanity, if not my life.