What the fuck is wrong with people? Today Destiny had swimclass. A group of 4 kids has class every day from 6-6:30 in this itty bitty corner of the pool. There's a guy talking to me about how he's thinking about signing his child up for the next session, etc. etc. so he obviously knows it's a swim class. Yet he lets his child go over there, get in the middle of all the kids, grab the swim barbell and other toys the teacher uses and doesn't say a word! I kept waiting for him to tell the kid to get out of the way but no. He literally waits until the instructor asks the kid for the toys back. And he's not the only one. Several other parents have let their kids get in the way of the class without saying a word. Once the lifeguard even intervened because two boys were roughhousing in the middle of the 3-5yr old class. Their mother was sitting right there at the edge of the pool in a lawnchair watching it all!
No wonder kids don't have manners today. Their freaking dumbass parents don't teach them any!
I get after my daughter too sometimes for letting the girls do whatever they want (although they are generally very well behaved!). Today when I got to their house Serenity (the youngest) was throwing a hissy fit and had apparently been going at it for a while. I literally had to say only three words (Serenity - that's enough!) and she stopped dead in her tracks. She knows Lita means business. lol
It's a good thing I'm a peon. If I had any power, all those lazy dumbass parents would be sent to a work camp in Siberia where they and their bratty kids couldn't bother anyone. Ok, to be fair though - it is the parent's fault, not the kids. But, that doesn't change the fact that the kids are annoying little shits.
I really worry about the future of our country when I see shit like that.
Aaarrgh!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
“When he woke in the woods in the dark and the cold of the night he'd reach out to touch the child sleeping beside him. Nights dark beyond darkness and the days more gray each one than what had gone before. Like the onset of some cold glaucoma dimming away the world. His hand rose and fell softly with each precious breath.” Thus begins “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy.
This novel is destined to become one of the great American classics. A great novel has to have a story that is timeless, characters that are believable, narrative tension, and, of course, good prose. This book possesses all of these qualities.
What makes "The Road" timeless is that it is a novel about survival, not only of the body, but of the human spirit. Father and son travel through cities, decimated by some unknown calamity and barren of all life. McCarthy describes one such city in his usual minimalist way when he states “The city was mostly burned. No sign of life. Cars in the street caked with ash, everything covered with ash and dust." The father pushes a grocery cart through a ''cauterized terrain'' barren of all animal life. They travel through a post-apocalyptic nightmare world, strewn with corpses, and populated by roving gangs of cannibals, in the hope of finding a better tomorrow. Through every adversity, the two main characters, whose names are never mentioned, manage to hold on to each other, to their hope of finding a better tomorrow, and to their humanity. It is the story of the love between parent and child and deals with the eternal conflict - survival - but at what cost?
The characters are even more believable because they are not named. They could be any parent and child comforting each other on cold and lonely nights. The father struggles with issues every parent struggles with: how to teach his son right from wrong, how to ensure his son’s survival if he dies, and what to tell his son of the nature of evil. The child, like any child, is able to find joy even in this horrible landscape. He plays the flute, and asks his father for bed-time stories. Later in the book, “the boy found some crayons and painted his facemask with fangs”. The father’s job is to protect his child, at any cost. “He knew only that the child was his warrant. He said: If he is not the word of God God never spoke.”
The book is dark and filled with tension. This is what makes it such a page turner and what keeps the reader thinking about it long after it has been put down. It keeps the reader on the edge of their seat, waiting to see how they will survive the next obstacle. In addition, the duo faces the constant external threat of starvation and of succumbing to the elements. They could be attacked by other travelers or roving bands of cannibals at any moment. McCarthy uses flashbacks to show us what could happen to the pair if they are caught by the wrong people. People are raped, beaten, and kept like cattle, as a source of food. The father’s internal struggle is another factor which adds to the overall tension of the book. How far will he go to keep his son alive? Will he kill and steal food from other children? At what point is it better to give up and end their suffering? These questions are always in the background. The father carries with him a gun with two bullets, one for each of them, but is never sure when, or even if, to use it.
The prose in the book is beautiful. The entire book is written like a series of dark and mesmerizing poems. The language is stark and unadorned. There’s no filler, nothing extraneous, as illustrated in this exchange between father and son: “The boy turned in the blankets. Then he opened his eyes. Hi, Papa, he said. I’m right here. I know.” Thus, the writing itself becomes symbolic of the nature of the story. Bleak, desolate, and yet beautifully moving.
This book, although dark, does contain a message of hope. It tells us that we can change our destinies. It tells us that love, can indeed, conquer all. The author gifts us with a timeless story of love and survival. His characters are completely believable and sympathetic. The tension is, at times, almost unbearable. The author‘s prose is sparse and eloquent and beautiful in itself. This book has staying power and will linger with the reader long after the last page has been read. Perhaps the power of a book, to linger with the reader and forever alter him, should be added to the list of criteria by which a book should be measured. This is definitely a book worth reading, not just once, but over and over again.
This novel is destined to become one of the great American classics. A great novel has to have a story that is timeless, characters that are believable, narrative tension, and, of course, good prose. This book possesses all of these qualities.
What makes "The Road" timeless is that it is a novel about survival, not only of the body, but of the human spirit. Father and son travel through cities, decimated by some unknown calamity and barren of all life. McCarthy describes one such city in his usual minimalist way when he states “The city was mostly burned. No sign of life. Cars in the street caked with ash, everything covered with ash and dust." The father pushes a grocery cart through a ''cauterized terrain'' barren of all animal life. They travel through a post-apocalyptic nightmare world, strewn with corpses, and populated by roving gangs of cannibals, in the hope of finding a better tomorrow. Through every adversity, the two main characters, whose names are never mentioned, manage to hold on to each other, to their hope of finding a better tomorrow, and to their humanity. It is the story of the love between parent and child and deals with the eternal conflict - survival - but at what cost?
The characters are even more believable because they are not named. They could be any parent and child comforting each other on cold and lonely nights. The father struggles with issues every parent struggles with: how to teach his son right from wrong, how to ensure his son’s survival if he dies, and what to tell his son of the nature of evil. The child, like any child, is able to find joy even in this horrible landscape. He plays the flute, and asks his father for bed-time stories. Later in the book, “the boy found some crayons and painted his facemask with fangs”. The father’s job is to protect his child, at any cost. “He knew only that the child was his warrant. He said: If he is not the word of God God never spoke.”
The book is dark and filled with tension. This is what makes it such a page turner and what keeps the reader thinking about it long after it has been put down. It keeps the reader on the edge of their seat, waiting to see how they will survive the next obstacle. In addition, the duo faces the constant external threat of starvation and of succumbing to the elements. They could be attacked by other travelers or roving bands of cannibals at any moment. McCarthy uses flashbacks to show us what could happen to the pair if they are caught by the wrong people. People are raped, beaten, and kept like cattle, as a source of food. The father’s internal struggle is another factor which adds to the overall tension of the book. How far will he go to keep his son alive? Will he kill and steal food from other children? At what point is it better to give up and end their suffering? These questions are always in the background. The father carries with him a gun with two bullets, one for each of them, but is never sure when, or even if, to use it.
The prose in the book is beautiful. The entire book is written like a series of dark and mesmerizing poems. The language is stark and unadorned. There’s no filler, nothing extraneous, as illustrated in this exchange between father and son: “The boy turned in the blankets. Then he opened his eyes. Hi, Papa, he said. I’m right here. I know.” Thus, the writing itself becomes symbolic of the nature of the story. Bleak, desolate, and yet beautifully moving.
This book, although dark, does contain a message of hope. It tells us that we can change our destinies. It tells us that love, can indeed, conquer all. The author gifts us with a timeless story of love and survival. His characters are completely believable and sympathetic. The tension is, at times, almost unbearable. The author‘s prose is sparse and eloquent and beautiful in itself. This book has staying power and will linger with the reader long after the last page has been read. Perhaps the power of a book, to linger with the reader and forever alter him, should be added to the list of criteria by which a book should be measured. This is definitely a book worth reading, not just once, but over and over again.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Invictus
Wow! Saw it last night and it was SO good. My daughter and I went to Redbox and didn't know what to get so we got Invictus mainly because it starred Morgan Freeman. We have both been fans of his for years.Nelson Mandela is S. Africa's MLK. I found it amazing that after all he'd been through he was so ready to forgive. He believed people should move beyond the hatreds and pains of the past and work together to make a good future for everyone. He is an amazing human being.
It was funny and at the same time sad that when we were watching the movie my daughter thought it had taken place decades ago. It's so easy for us to forget that there are places in the world where people are still fighting for the freedoms we so often take for granted.
The title of the movie comes from a poem by William Ernest Henley. I'd heard this line before but didn't know where it came from:
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul
I am the captain of my soul
I read a little bit about Morgan Freeman as I was watching the movie and admire him now even more than I did before. He says the only way to end racism is to stop talking about it, and that there is no "white history month". Freeman once said on an interview with 60 Minutes' Mike Wallace: "I am going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man."
I believe in this so whole-heartedly. I don't think we should forget the past because it has important lessons for us. But I do believe we should move on. I think any time the question of race is raised, whether it's for good or bad, we are being racist. To stop racism we have to stop differentiating between the races and judge people solely by their characters and abilities.
Now it's probably a good thing I only have 3 followers, only one of whom actually reads this blog because I'd probably have people up in arms on this issue!
Anyway, it's a really good movie and both Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon did really great jobs portraying their characters.
Go watch it!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Hotness!!
Ok, I admit it - I'm in lust. Total major lust. *sigh* I miss Lost. Not because of the awesome storyline, but because of Sawyer. I tried to put him out of my mind but thanks to 5 Question Friday he's back. I would tie him up and do unspeakable things to him. And then I'd do them again with chocolate and whipped cream. Yum! If hotness were a word, his picture would be next to it in the dictionary!5 Question Friday - late again!
So let's face it - I am almost always going to be late on this. Fridays tend to be busy at work which makes me lazy when I get home. Anyway, here we go - And btw, got these from lawlover1 who got them from someone else. :)
1. Do you collect anything?
Dolphins. I'm a dolphin freak, I even have a dolphin tat. I have dolphin shit all over my house. (not literally - lol) Although I'm thinking I will have to stop. Unless I get a place with a built in shelving or something. Running out of room.
And masks. It's a very small collection so far - only 5. Again, there's the problem with room for more so...
2. Name three celebrities that you find good looking.
1. Josh Holloway aka Sawyer from Lost. OMG! He is so hot. Yes, I admit it, I've fantazied about him. Yum! Maybe I should rename my vibrator Sawyer. hmmmm....
2. David Boreanz aka Angel & Agent Seely Booth from Bones. He's got these soulful brown eyes. And he's sweet.
3. Alexander Skarsgard aka Erik from True Blood. You can suck on my neck anytime Erik. Bring it!
3. Do you have any scars? If so what's the story behind it (them)?
1. Scar on left eyelid from when I was about 7. We were playing Zorro. Yes, I said it Zorry. It was huge in Germany at that time and that's what we played. Anyway, I, being the only girl, was the maiden in distress and was wounded in a swordfight with one of Sheriff Nottingham's men. (In other words stick hit eye) lol
2. Scar on right temple from where I got stitches. In Germany we celebrate Halloween a little differently. More trick, less treat. You bring in everything you can possibly get into your house. So one Walpurgisnacht, I fell down the stairs and cut my head open on the fender of my brothers go-cart.
3. Appendectomy scar.
4. Tubal Ligation scar - no more kids for me - no way, no how!
5. Breast reduction scars - self explanatory.
4. What is a food that you like to eat, but others might think it's gross or weird?
French fries with mayo instead of ketchup. Ok - it's a European thing. That is how you get it there when you order
french fries. Or at least it was, when I lived there. Don't knock it til you've tried it. It's yummy!
5. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life?
Only on tv. :)
1. Do you collect anything?
Dolphins. I'm a dolphin freak, I even have a dolphin tat. I have dolphin shit all over my house. (not literally - lol) Although I'm thinking I will have to stop. Unless I get a place with a built in shelving or something. Running out of room.
And masks. It's a very small collection so far - only 5. Again, there's the problem with room for more so...
2. Name three celebrities that you find good looking.
1. Josh Holloway aka Sawyer from Lost. OMG! He is so hot. Yes, I admit it, I've fantazied about him. Yum! Maybe I should rename my vibrator Sawyer. hmmmm....
2. David Boreanz aka Angel & Agent Seely Booth from Bones. He's got these soulful brown eyes. And he's sweet.
3. Alexander Skarsgard aka Erik from True Blood. You can suck on my neck anytime Erik. Bring it!
3. Do you have any scars? If so what's the story behind it (them)?
1. Scar on left eyelid from when I was about 7. We were playing Zorro. Yes, I said it Zorry. It was huge in Germany at that time and that's what we played. Anyway, I, being the only girl, was the maiden in distress and was wounded in a swordfight with one of Sheriff Nottingham's men. (In other words stick hit eye) lol
2. Scar on right temple from where I got stitches. In Germany we celebrate Halloween a little differently. More trick, less treat. You bring in everything you can possibly get into your house. So one Walpurgisnacht, I fell down the stairs and cut my head open on the fender of my brothers go-cart.
3. Appendectomy scar.
4. Tubal Ligation scar - no more kids for me - no way, no how!
5. Breast reduction scars - self explanatory.
4. What is a food that you like to eat, but others might think it's gross or weird?
French fries with mayo instead of ketchup. Ok - it's a European thing. That is how you get it there when you order
french fries. Or at least it was, when I lived there. Don't knock it til you've tried it. It's yummy!
5. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life?
Only on tv. :)
Destiny
My oldest granddaughter has 18-p syndrome. It means she's missing the short arm of her 18th chromosome.
It also means she was born tiny. Under 5 lbs, and with a hole in her heart. The doctor wanted to wait until she was a year old for surgery but we couldn't. It was taking all her energy just to live, which meant she wasn't doing anything else - not growing, not learning. At 9 months she had open-heart surgery. I was so scared. Seeing that tiny little baby with all those tubes and wires running in and out of her... That was hard.
Then eye surgery 2 years ago to correct her drooping eyelids. With another surgery coming up late this year or early next year.
And developmental delays. She doesn't speak as well as her younger sister. But she does speak, for which we are grateful. She can also be extremely fearful - definately not one to run headlong into new things. Except for swimming. She has absolutely no fear there. We tried to teach her that she really can't swim. Took the floaties off and let her go under. She came up laughing "I'm schwimming, I'm schwimming" I told her "No baby, you're drowning". Didn't phase her one bit so she starts swim lessons on Monday. :)
Now she's developed alopecia areata. Which means her immune system is attacking her hair follicles, causing her hair to fall out. She had such beautiful thick curly hair. Now it's thin, and she's lost about half of it. It doesn't matter now but I worry about what it means for her in the future. We women are so caught up in our hair.
She is the light of my life. I love her sister too but I can't help it - Destiny is definately my favorite. I get so angry sometimes that she's had to go through so much already and she's only 3. She is such a sweet little girl. And I worry about what future obstacles she'll have to face. She has to have regular specialist visits to check for new developments. This syndrome can cause all kinds of problems.
I should be grateful though. I know that. So many children with this syndrome are stillborn or don't survive their first year. Many can never sit up by themselves or walk or eat without a feeding tube. And I am grateful that she's able to do all those things. But I am still angry. And I worry about her future.
And I worry that the first time someone calls her retarded or funny-looking or something I am going to kick some major ass and end up in jail! Really. I do worry about that. Not sure how well I will handle that. I know it's ridiculous - all kids get made fun of for something sometime during their life. But I am overprotective. Can we say "Cheerleader Mom"? lol
This pic is of her sliding down her new slide. Another one of her favorite things. She can slide for hours! :)
Monday, July 12, 2010
My brother is Homeless
I was thinking about him today because I saw a guy panhandling and I thought maybe it was him.
I tried to help him. I really did. I talked to him about the choices he was making (drugs, alcohol, grand theft auto, etc.) and what the consequences of those choices could be. We talked about the fact that our childhood was kind of messed up because he blamed his bad 'habits' on that.
Yes, our parents were both alcoholics. Yes, we were emotionally neglected. But I told him "the way you turn out is not up to them. It's up to you." I talked to him about his son. That he needed a father who was there for him. Not one who was in prison more often than not. I've let him move in with me several times. It never works out. At one point I was supporting my grown daughter and her boyfriend, my brother, and my two youngest kids. I just couldn't do it anymore. Plus I didn't like the people he was bringing to my home, to my children's home. I finally asked him to leave.
He's come back several times since. I've let him spend a night here and there on the couch but that's it. I've kept his things for him for as long as I've been living here. A few months ago, I decided I needed to get rid of some of it. I hadn't heard from him in over a year and I'm planning on moving soon. I started going through his things, not wanting to throw away anything he really needed. I threw away quite a lot of things and then I came across a letter he wrote. I hadn't planned on reading it but the phrase "my trashy sister" just sprung out at me so I did. I know it was wrong of me but there you go.
He was telling someone how horrible I was, how he had to put on an act so I would let him live with me but how much he couldn't wait to get out. He talked trash about me, my boyfriend, my kids. It really hurt me. I have always known that my brother is selfish and that he would steal from me but I still believed in my heart that he loved me. Now I know he doesn't. He's the most selfish person I've ever known. I have tried so hard to help him. I was so mad I wanted to throw his things away but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know I have to let him go. He's just not a good person. But it hurts. And I feel guilty for even thinking about telling him to stay away the next time I see him.
I have a hard time letting go of relationships. Any relationship. I worked too hard to have people in my life that I care about and that care about me. It took me years to be able to hug a friend. It took me years to have real friends. I learned how to really love from my kids and my family is so important to me. I kept hoping he would get his shit together but I realize now he never will. And as flawed as I knew him to be, I didn't realize what an ugly person he really was. It should make it easy but it doesn't.
I tried to help him. I really did. I talked to him about the choices he was making (drugs, alcohol, grand theft auto, etc.) and what the consequences of those choices could be. We talked about the fact that our childhood was kind of messed up because he blamed his bad 'habits' on that.
Yes, our parents were both alcoholics. Yes, we were emotionally neglected. But I told him "the way you turn out is not up to them. It's up to you." I talked to him about his son. That he needed a father who was there for him. Not one who was in prison more often than not. I've let him move in with me several times. It never works out. At one point I was supporting my grown daughter and her boyfriend, my brother, and my two youngest kids. I just couldn't do it anymore. Plus I didn't like the people he was bringing to my home, to my children's home. I finally asked him to leave.
He's come back several times since. I've let him spend a night here and there on the couch but that's it. I've kept his things for him for as long as I've been living here. A few months ago, I decided I needed to get rid of some of it. I hadn't heard from him in over a year and I'm planning on moving soon. I started going through his things, not wanting to throw away anything he really needed. I threw away quite a lot of things and then I came across a letter he wrote. I hadn't planned on reading it but the phrase "my trashy sister" just sprung out at me so I did. I know it was wrong of me but there you go.
He was telling someone how horrible I was, how he had to put on an act so I would let him live with me but how much he couldn't wait to get out. He talked trash about me, my boyfriend, my kids. It really hurt me. I have always known that my brother is selfish and that he would steal from me but I still believed in my heart that he loved me. Now I know he doesn't. He's the most selfish person I've ever known. I have tried so hard to help him. I was so mad I wanted to throw his things away but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know I have to let him go. He's just not a good person. But it hurts. And I feel guilty for even thinking about telling him to stay away the next time I see him.
I have a hard time letting go of relationships. Any relationship. I worked too hard to have people in my life that I care about and that care about me. It took me years to be able to hug a friend. It took me years to have real friends. I learned how to really love from my kids and my family is so important to me. I kept hoping he would get his shit together but I realize now he never will. And as flawed as I knew him to be, I didn't realize what an ugly person he really was. It should make it easy but it doesn't.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Dating Sucks
Which should also be called Why I Don't Date Anymore. lol
One guy went all Seinfeld on me. Yes, I'm referring to the episode where Elaine tells Jerry about her date pulling his dick out. We are in the car and he pulls it out. It took me a while to notice since I was driving. When I finally do, I say something like "WTF?" His response, "touch it, just touch it", mine "put it away". He spends the next 20 minutes trying to get me to "at least look at it", which I absolutely refuse to do. All this while I'm driving down the interstate. I mean really? Can't help but wonder at his thought process on that one. Was he so enamored of his cock that he couldn't imagine me not wanting to touch it once I saw it? Did he think I'd pull over immediately and say "Yes Yes fuck me now!"? Another first and last date.
Another guy just shared too much. I was playing pool at a bar with my friend Syd. We used to 'collect' people when we went out. Would start with just the two of us and by the end of the night there'd be a good dozen around our table all playing, dancing, and just generally having a good time. So I met this guy. Seemed nice enough. Danced with him a few times & ended up exchanging numbers. First date we go to a movie. So far so good. Then out to eat. All of a sudden he's telling me about the penile implant he's getting next month. I'm sitting there with a mouth full of lasagna and he's telling me he can't get it up and he's getting a robot pecker. It's a first date! I really don't want to know this. Especially since he's going into detail. Where the cut will be, how the insert the implant, etc. etc. Ugh. I am not unsympathetic but why is he telling me this on our first (and last) date?
Yeah, I admit it - I've given up. Dating sucks!
One guy went all Seinfeld on me. Yes, I'm referring to the episode where Elaine tells Jerry about her date pulling his dick out. We are in the car and he pulls it out. It took me a while to notice since I was driving. When I finally do, I say something like "WTF?" His response, "touch it, just touch it", mine "put it away". He spends the next 20 minutes trying to get me to "at least look at it", which I absolutely refuse to do. All this while I'm driving down the interstate. I mean really? Can't help but wonder at his thought process on that one. Was he so enamored of his cock that he couldn't imagine me not wanting to touch it once I saw it? Did he think I'd pull over immediately and say "Yes Yes fuck me now!"? Another first and last date.
Another guy just shared too much. I was playing pool at a bar with my friend Syd. We used to 'collect' people when we went out. Would start with just the two of us and by the end of the night there'd be a good dozen around our table all playing, dancing, and just generally having a good time. So I met this guy. Seemed nice enough. Danced with him a few times & ended up exchanging numbers. First date we go to a movie. So far so good. Then out to eat. All of a sudden he's telling me about the penile implant he's getting next month. I'm sitting there with a mouth full of lasagna and he's telling me he can't get it up and he's getting a robot pecker. It's a first date! I really don't want to know this. Especially since he's going into detail. Where the cut will be, how the insert the implant, etc. etc. Ugh. I am not unsympathetic but why is he telling me this on our first (and last) date?
Yeah, I admit it - I've given up. Dating sucks!
5 Question Friday (late as usual)
1. What is one food you could eat everyday?
Bacon. I know, it's supposed to be a guy thing but I love bacon. LOVE IT! I hardly ever buy it because I will seriously sit and eat the whole damn package. Yum!
2. Are you working in the career you thought you would be when you were 18?
Nope. Of course when I was 18 my mind wasn't on career at all. More on, where's the next party, where's the next hot guy, etc etc. Definately not on school or career.
3. What is something that you wish you would have done when you were younger and you didn't?
I wish I had worn sexier clothes while I still had the body to do it! lol I tell my girls all the time to show it while you got it. Well, within reason - I'm still a mom! I wish I had gone to college then instead of now but I guess I wasn't ready. I probably wouldn't have done nearly as well as I am now. I wish I had waited to have kids - I hate not being able to give them everything they deserve!
4. What color are your kitchen walls?
Eggshell I guess. Apt. walls, what can I say?
5. Do you remember what your very first favorite song was?
Nope. My parents weren't really into music. The earliest song I can remember is the Candyman song. My mother made me sing it to anyone who didn't manage to escape in time. :)
Bacon. I know, it's supposed to be a guy thing but I love bacon. LOVE IT! I hardly ever buy it because I will seriously sit and eat the whole damn package. Yum!
2. Are you working in the career you thought you would be when you were 18?
Nope. Of course when I was 18 my mind wasn't on career at all. More on, where's the next party, where's the next hot guy, etc etc. Definately not on school or career.
3. What is something that you wish you would have done when you were younger and you didn't?
I wish I had worn sexier clothes while I still had the body to do it! lol I tell my girls all the time to show it while you got it. Well, within reason - I'm still a mom! I wish I had gone to college then instead of now but I guess I wasn't ready. I probably wouldn't have done nearly as well as I am now. I wish I had waited to have kids - I hate not being able to give them everything they deserve!
4. What color are your kitchen walls?
Eggshell I guess. Apt. walls, what can I say?
5. Do you remember what your very first favorite song was?
Nope. My parents weren't really into music. The earliest song I can remember is the Candyman song. My mother made me sing it to anyone who didn't manage to escape in time. :)
Friday, July 2, 2010
5 question Friday
1. What is one thing you miss the most about childhood?
The main thing I miss is the belief y that anything is possible.
2. Are you still friends with your friends from high school?
Not really. There was no falling out or anything just a slow growing apart. There are a few I wish I had kept in touch with. Quite a lot of my facebook 'friends' are people I went to high school with though.
3. Is there a catch phrase, cliche, or word that just drives you bonkers every time you hear it?
I hate the phrase "think outside the box". It's been used so often that now if you're using it you're really not thinking outside the box at all!
4. What is one thing that you think symbolizes America...besides "Old Glory"?
The Bald Eagle. The song "Star-spangled banner"
5. What are your 4th of July weekend plans?
Kind of up in the air right now because of the weather and the fact my daughter has to work and will have my car since hers is in the shop. *sigh* But, hanging out by the pool drinking if it's nice out & going to see Eclipse Sunday.
The main thing I miss is the belief y that anything is possible.
2. Are you still friends with your friends from high school?
Not really. There was no falling out or anything just a slow growing apart. There are a few I wish I had kept in touch with. Quite a lot of my facebook 'friends' are people I went to high school with though.
3. Is there a catch phrase, cliche, or word that just drives you bonkers every time you hear it?
I hate the phrase "think outside the box". It's been used so often that now if you're using it you're really not thinking outside the box at all!
4. What is one thing that you think symbolizes America...besides "Old Glory"?
The Bald Eagle. The song "Star-spangled banner"
5. What are your 4th of July weekend plans?
Kind of up in the air right now because of the weather and the fact my daughter has to work and will have my car since hers is in the shop. *sigh* But, hanging out by the pool drinking if it's nice out & going to see Eclipse Sunday.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
There are more things in heaven and earth...
I'm a cynic. I wouldn't call myself a non-believer because I try to keep an open mind but I want PROOF. Those ghost hunter shows just crack me up. I mean seriously - the ghosts are always there right when the film crews are there, right on time for the next show. Yeah, right. And people who hear voices, people who converse with God, nut-jobs right? Right! Well, maybe.
Because I can't dismiss God, spirits, even ghosts indeterminately. I can't because I've had some experiences that have left me wondering.
1. The first occurred about 12 years ago when I was still married. As anyone who's been married for a while and has small kids can tell you, together time is hard to find. My husband and I had planned a date night and I was running late so, as usual, I was hauling ass. All of a sudden I heard a voice - say "SLOW DOWN!" First I dismissed it. I told myself - Ok girl, you are clearly losing it, hearing things, crazy woman, etc. etc. But I couldn't dismiss the feeling of abject terror that came over me when I heard the voice. Have you ever had a gun barrel pressed against your forehead? I have. And this voice produced the same feeling in me as looking down the barrel of that gun did. So, I slowed down. A few minutes later my tire blew out and my car veered across the road. I did a complete 360 before I managed to pull over to the side of the road. I sat in my car shaking. Literally shaking with goosebumps all over me. A little further down the road was a sharp curve with a bridge just past it. I kept thinking that that's where my tire would have blown if I hadn't slowed down.
Was it ESP, was it my guardian angel? I don't know. I wish I did but I don't.
2. I have a friend who used to be a bull-rider. Championship buckles and all. He's also a poet. Calls himself the Cowboy Poet. He came to town one night for a poetry reading and invited me to come along. He was one of several poets who got up to read some of their poetry. One of them was an elderly Indian gentleman. I sat in that brightly lit room in a folding chair and was completely carried away by his poetry. Enough so that I sat there with my eyes closed, just listening. I smelled the campfire smoke, I heard the crackling of the wood popping in the fire, I felt the breeze, and when I opened my eyes the room was filled with mist. I mean really, I SAW mist rolling in the room as though we were outside. Afterwards I jokingly told my friend I must have skipped one too many meals because I was seeing things and told him what had happened. I laughed it off but to be honest it shook me. He went on to tell the old Indian gentlemen who told him that I was very lucky because I had been touched by the spirits.
Was it the spirits? Was I just caught up in the moment? I don't know but I can tell you one thing I am not at all a visual person. I can't visualize anything. Not the faces of people I've known for years, not even my kids. Where does that leave me? Wondering. That's all.
As Shakespeare wrote "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Because I can't dismiss God, spirits, even ghosts indeterminately. I can't because I've had some experiences that have left me wondering.
1. The first occurred about 12 years ago when I was still married. As anyone who's been married for a while and has small kids can tell you, together time is hard to find. My husband and I had planned a date night and I was running late so, as usual, I was hauling ass. All of a sudden I heard a voice - say "SLOW DOWN!" First I dismissed it. I told myself - Ok girl, you are clearly losing it, hearing things, crazy woman, etc. etc. But I couldn't dismiss the feeling of abject terror that came over me when I heard the voice. Have you ever had a gun barrel pressed against your forehead? I have. And this voice produced the same feeling in me as looking down the barrel of that gun did. So, I slowed down. A few minutes later my tire blew out and my car veered across the road. I did a complete 360 before I managed to pull over to the side of the road. I sat in my car shaking. Literally shaking with goosebumps all over me. A little further down the road was a sharp curve with a bridge just past it. I kept thinking that that's where my tire would have blown if I hadn't slowed down.
Was it ESP, was it my guardian angel? I don't know. I wish I did but I don't.
2. I have a friend who used to be a bull-rider. Championship buckles and all. He's also a poet. Calls himself the Cowboy Poet. He came to town one night for a poetry reading and invited me to come along. He was one of several poets who got up to read some of their poetry. One of them was an elderly Indian gentleman. I sat in that brightly lit room in a folding chair and was completely carried away by his poetry. Enough so that I sat there with my eyes closed, just listening. I smelled the campfire smoke, I heard the crackling of the wood popping in the fire, I felt the breeze, and when I opened my eyes the room was filled with mist. I mean really, I SAW mist rolling in the room as though we were outside. Afterwards I jokingly told my friend I must have skipped one too many meals because I was seeing things and told him what had happened. I laughed it off but to be honest it shook me. He went on to tell the old Indian gentlemen who told him that I was very lucky because I had been touched by the spirits.
Was it the spirits? Was I just caught up in the moment? I don't know but I can tell you one thing I am not at all a visual person. I can't visualize anything. Not the faces of people I've known for years, not even my kids. Where does that leave me? Wondering. That's all.
As Shakespeare wrote "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Dating Sucks
I was telling my friend I never have anything to blog about. My life is just not that exciting. She suggested I blog about some of my dating experiences. So, here goes:
Once I had a girlfriend in from out of town. We decided to go out to a club, and met some friends from my job there. One of the guys I had been friends with for a while and always kind of had a crush on. Well, he ends up coming home with us in my car. His roomie and his gf are going by their place to pick up some tequila and then joining us at my house. He starts groping me in the car. He is all over me which I excuse because by this time we're both pretty drunk and honestly that is why I was taking him home! I am a little pissed off that he can't be a little more discreet. I mean we're in the backseat of a car and we're not in high school anymore but he does back off when I say something so it's all good.
We go to my place, my friend is in the living room with a guy I hooked her up with, we're in the bedroom. I'm thinking he's pretty drunk so I'm going to make sure I get something out of the deal before he passes out and I make him go down on me. Lovely. But now, I'm drunk and tired and not in the mood. I know - selfish of me - I'm not always nice people. So I get up and leave. When I come back he's got his jeans on and he's digging through my purse. I get pissed. I'm drunk and pissed which equals stupid. This guy was about 6'2 and 200+ lbs and I push him up against the wall and am yelling at him and digging through his pants pockets to see if he got anything out of my purse. My friend Rodney comes in to see what's going on and when I tell him he goes off on him too. He's yelling and telling him to get the fuck out of my house, that he's not letting anybody fuck with his friend. So now I've got this drunk guy wearing nothing but jeans stumbling around in my front yard. And all my neighbors are in some religous cult where the women never wear pants and always have their hair in buns. Peachy keen.
I tell my friends that we can't leave him outside in my neighborhood like that. Fine. We decide to drive him back to the bar so he can get in his car. He's really wasted and as we grab his shirt, shoes, etc. for him I find a big bag of black pills. I don't know what they are and don't really want to. We manage to get him in the car and start driving. All of a sudden he starts talking shit and he's groping me again, which I am totally not in the mood for. Rodney stops the car and tells him to get the hell out if he can't act right. The guys starts talking shit again and Rodney pulls him out of the car and throws one punch and the guy is out for the count. In the bushes in the country out. I don't know what to do. He's big. How do we get him back in the car? Rodney says we don't but I feel bad about it because it is around 15 miles to the bar and out in the boonies. But there was no way we were going to get him back in the car. So off we go.
A couple of hours later his roomie calls and wants to know what the hell happened. He had finally made it home. Walked/hitchhiked back to Austin, drove and wrecked his car, lost his wallet, and couldn't remember a single thing that happened. Next day at work he blamed it all on the pills, apologized, etc. etc. but while we got along ok at work, the friendship was history. Just goes to show you never really know people as well as you think you do, and oh yeah
dating sucks.
Once I had a girlfriend in from out of town. We decided to go out to a club, and met some friends from my job there. One of the guys I had been friends with for a while and always kind of had a crush on. Well, he ends up coming home with us in my car. His roomie and his gf are going by their place to pick up some tequila and then joining us at my house. He starts groping me in the car. He is all over me which I excuse because by this time we're both pretty drunk and honestly that is why I was taking him home! I am a little pissed off that he can't be a little more discreet. I mean we're in the backseat of a car and we're not in high school anymore but he does back off when I say something so it's all good.
We go to my place, my friend is in the living room with a guy I hooked her up with, we're in the bedroom. I'm thinking he's pretty drunk so I'm going to make sure I get something out of the deal before he passes out and I make him go down on me. Lovely. But now, I'm drunk and tired and not in the mood. I know - selfish of me - I'm not always nice people. So I get up and leave. When I come back he's got his jeans on and he's digging through my purse. I get pissed. I'm drunk and pissed which equals stupid. This guy was about 6'2 and 200+ lbs and I push him up against the wall and am yelling at him and digging through his pants pockets to see if he got anything out of my purse. My friend Rodney comes in to see what's going on and when I tell him he goes off on him too. He's yelling and telling him to get the fuck out of my house, that he's not letting anybody fuck with his friend. So now I've got this drunk guy wearing nothing but jeans stumbling around in my front yard. And all my neighbors are in some religous cult where the women never wear pants and always have their hair in buns. Peachy keen.
I tell my friends that we can't leave him outside in my neighborhood like that. Fine. We decide to drive him back to the bar so he can get in his car. He's really wasted and as we grab his shirt, shoes, etc. for him I find a big bag of black pills. I don't know what they are and don't really want to. We manage to get him in the car and start driving. All of a sudden he starts talking shit and he's groping me again, which I am totally not in the mood for. Rodney stops the car and tells him to get the hell out if he can't act right. The guys starts talking shit again and Rodney pulls him out of the car and throws one punch and the guy is out for the count. In the bushes in the country out. I don't know what to do. He's big. How do we get him back in the car? Rodney says we don't but I feel bad about it because it is around 15 miles to the bar and out in the boonies. But there was no way we were going to get him back in the car. So off we go.
A couple of hours later his roomie calls and wants to know what the hell happened. He had finally made it home. Walked/hitchhiked back to Austin, drove and wrecked his car, lost his wallet, and couldn't remember a single thing that happened. Next day at work he blamed it all on the pills, apologized, etc. etc. but while we got along ok at work, the friendship was history. Just goes to show you never really know people as well as you think you do, and oh yeah
dating sucks.
Friday, June 25, 2010
5 for Friday
1. Do you know how to play a musical instrument?
No, I would love to but have never found the time. Or the money. lol I figure I must have really bad time management skills. Other people always seem to have time for hobbies and I never do. *sigh*
2. What is your pet peeve while driving?
Oh don't get me started! lol I suffer from a very serious case of road rage. So:
1. People who drive slow in the fast lane, aka people who don't drive as fast as me in the fast lane. Seriously it's supposed to be the PASSING lane. It doesn't matter how fast you're going. If the person behind you wants to go faster just move over.
2. People who stop at yield signs. You DO NOT HAVE TO STOP! If you did don't you think it would be a freakin stop sign?!!
3. People who enter the interstate at 30-40 mph. GO GO GO! You are supposed to be at interstate speeds by the time you get on it. That's how you merge with traffic!
4. Tailgaters. Ok, I understand if you're trying to tell me to move my slow ass over. But if I can't? Really what do you want me to do? Drive through the car in front of me? If I could move over I would.
Or tailgaters on one-lane country roads. Sorry dude, I am NOT going 75 mph on a bumpy ass country road. Nope. Just deal with it. Your tailgating me will only serve to piss me off and make me go slower and slower.
5. Just plain rude people who won't let you in. Is it really going to kill you to let me in? I mean seriously? I make it a rule to let at least 1 or 2 cars in just to be nice. Not all of them, mind you - I've got places to be too. lol
3. Would you rather have a housekeeper or unlimited spa services?
The spa services, unless it's one of those housekeeping services where they send hot young men to clean your home in the nude. Now, THAT would be a tough choice.
4. Is there a song that you hear that will take you back to the moment, like a junior high or high school dance?
The Rolling Stones Wild Horses always reminds me of my first 'serious' relationship. Elton John's Crocodile Rock reminds me of driving with my kids when they were little. They loved that song and we would belt it out! There's lots more. I love music! A good song can send chills down my back.
5. What song best represents your life right now?
Alice Cooper's "School's out for Summer!" :)
No, I would love to but have never found the time. Or the money. lol I figure I must have really bad time management skills. Other people always seem to have time for hobbies and I never do. *sigh*
2. What is your pet peeve while driving?
Oh don't get me started! lol I suffer from a very serious case of road rage. So:
1. People who drive slow in the fast lane, aka people who don't drive as fast as me in the fast lane. Seriously it's supposed to be the PASSING lane. It doesn't matter how fast you're going. If the person behind you wants to go faster just move over.
2. People who stop at yield signs. You DO NOT HAVE TO STOP! If you did don't you think it would be a freakin stop sign?!!
3. People who enter the interstate at 30-40 mph. GO GO GO! You are supposed to be at interstate speeds by the time you get on it. That's how you merge with traffic!
4. Tailgaters. Ok, I understand if you're trying to tell me to move my slow ass over. But if I can't? Really what do you want me to do? Drive through the car in front of me? If I could move over I would.
Or tailgaters on one-lane country roads. Sorry dude, I am NOT going 75 mph on a bumpy ass country road. Nope. Just deal with it. Your tailgating me will only serve to piss me off and make me go slower and slower.
5. Just plain rude people who won't let you in. Is it really going to kill you to let me in? I mean seriously? I make it a rule to let at least 1 or 2 cars in just to be nice. Not all of them, mind you - I've got places to be too. lol
3. Would you rather have a housekeeper or unlimited spa services?
The spa services, unless it's one of those housekeeping services where they send hot young men to clean your home in the nude. Now, THAT would be a tough choice.
4. Is there a song that you hear that will take you back to the moment, like a junior high or high school dance?
The Rolling Stones Wild Horses always reminds me of my first 'serious' relationship. Elton John's Crocodile Rock reminds me of driving with my kids when they were little. They loved that song and we would belt it out! There's lots more. I love music! A good song can send chills down my back.
5. What song best represents your life right now?
Alice Cooper's "School's out for Summer!" :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
5 Question Fridays
Ok yeah, so I'm a few days late - better late than never!
1. What is your favorite thing about summertime?
No School! lol Going back to school has made me appreciate summer vacation again. Even if I'm still working, at least my afternoons and weekends are my own. And going to the coast. This is the first year my granddaughters are going so I'm really excited!
2. What is your ideal retirement location (if money didn't matter)?
If money didn't matter I'd have 2 places and I'd migrate like the birds do. I'd keep a place here in Austin, just because my family is here. The other place would be right on a beach somewhere.
3. Do you live in the same town you grew up in?
Nope. I consider Lockhart my hometown even though I only lived there for about 6 years. We moved a lot before that but that is where we finally settled.
4. What nervous habit did you have as a child that you kicked to the curb before becoming an adult?
I guess nailbiting. I used to do that quite a bit.
5. What is the most embarrassing thing that happened to you while on the job?
My very first 'office' job was working as a receptionist. I had to say "Good Morning, Merchants & Professional Credit Bureau, May I help you please?" One morning instead of saying May i help you I accidentally said May I please you. The whole front office was laughing at me. It just so happened to be my boyfriend on the phone and he asked me if that's how I always answered the phone!
1. What is your favorite thing about summertime?
No School! lol Going back to school has made me appreciate summer vacation again. Even if I'm still working, at least my afternoons and weekends are my own. And going to the coast. This is the first year my granddaughters are going so I'm really excited!
2. What is your ideal retirement location (if money didn't matter)?
If money didn't matter I'd have 2 places and I'd migrate like the birds do. I'd keep a place here in Austin, just because my family is here. The other place would be right on a beach somewhere.
3. Do you live in the same town you grew up in?
Nope. I consider Lockhart my hometown even though I only lived there for about 6 years. We moved a lot before that but that is where we finally settled.
4. What nervous habit did you have as a child that you kicked to the curb before becoming an adult?
I guess nailbiting. I used to do that quite a bit.
5. What is the most embarrassing thing that happened to you while on the job?
My very first 'office' job was working as a receptionist. I had to say "Good Morning, Merchants & Professional Credit Bureau, May I help you please?" One morning instead of saying May i help you I accidentally said May I please you. The whole front office was laughing at me. It just so happened to be my boyfriend on the phone and he asked me if that's how I always answered the phone!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sex, Drugs, and Suicide
I just watched an episode of Dexter. The episode where he joins N.A. It made me think of my brief experience with that group.
I was really messed up about 5 years ago. I mean REALLY. Looking back now I see how crazy my thinking was but at the time it all made perfect sense. I had just dropped my kids off with their father. I cried he whole 1 1/2 hour long trip back to my house. I was at a place where I really felt that I corrupted every thing I touched and I didn't want to corrupt my children. Up until that point, I had always looked at suicides with scorn. I always thought of suicide as the most wanton act of selfishness possible. But all that long drive home, it's all I thought about.
I had a bunch of coke at home. More than I would ever do at once, but that night I decided the world would be a better place without me in it. At first I did all the coke. I thought I would o.d. and everyone would believe it was an accident. I sat in the tub so fucking coked out I couldn't stop shaking and I hated myself. I sat there with a hammer in my hand and I just kept hitting myself with it. I know it sounds crazy. It was crazy. I was crazy.
I finally realized I wasn't going to o.d. so I got out of the tub and found a box cutter. I stabbed myself in the wrist and pulled it down towards me. I bled so much. I was sitting there bleeding and bleeding and all I could think about was that I was ruining the carpet. So I got a towel and very lightly wrapped it around my arm to absorb the blood. I had a fight with my boyfriend earlier which wasn't the reason for this, but I was worried he would think so. To me the fight was just one more sign that I ruined everything I touched. I did not want to leave him thinking that it was his fault. I tried to call him but he didn't answer. I was frantic - I felt like I had to let him know it wasn't because of him. I called a friend of his. By this time, I was hyperventilating from the coke, and light-headed and cold from the loss of blood. His friend could tell something was wrong. He said he was going to hang up and call 911. But I told him I was just super high. I did not want to be stopped.
I wanted to die.
I finally convinced him I was ok and hung up.
I ended up emailing my boyfriend. Trying to explain. The towel around my wrist was completely soaked so I got another one and rewrapped my arm. When I was done, I laid down on the floor and waited to die. I felt so peaceful. For the first time in my life I just let go of everything. I have never forgotten that calm and peaceful feeling.
I woke up in the morning. At first I was really angry. I felt like I was such a complete and utter fuck-up that I couldn't even do this right. But I also took it as a sign. I wasn't meant to die. At least not by my own hand. I went to the store for gauze and the cashier bandaged my arm for me. I told her I hurt myself doing home repairs. That's the story I told everyone. Then I joined N.A.
I didn't go for long. I'm not trying to knock it. It works for some people. It just wasn't for me. All that talking about our old drug crazed escapades. It just made me want to relive them. I would sit in the meetings and want coke so bad it made my teeth hurt. I don't know how else to explain it.
What it did for me though was show me what my true addiction was. It showed me how much I hated myself and how hard I worked at hurting myself. My addiction wasn't coke, it was trying to destroy myself. I saw all the ways I had tried to do that in my life. From playing russian roulette and hitchhiking as a teenager to random sex with strangers, all the drugs I've done, and all the bad relationships I've been in. And every time I was in a relationship I was clean. No drugs. I didn't need to hurt myself with drugs because my bf or husband was doing it for me by beating the crap out of me, cheating on me, or just generally treating me like dirt.
I haven't done drugs since. Nothing. Nada. For me, self-knowledge has always been a powerful tool. I've avoided relationships with men. I don't trust myself enough yet to have a healthy relationship. I'm working on myself. It was hard at first. I've always used drugs to deal with the pain of my childhood. For the first time in my life I let myself feel the feelings instead of drugging them away. It hurt. It still hurts but not as much. I'm getting better. And I'm happy. Most importantly, I've learned to like myself. I think clearly now. I will NEVER do that again. Now I know, my children need me. Even though they're grown. I'm proud of them. And even though I'm ashamed for what I did, I've learned to forgive myself and be proud of myself for learning from it.
Wow. I didn't mean for this to be such a long and dark blog. Now you know, why I'm anonymous. I don't want the people I love to know these things about me. There are very few people who even knew I was doing drugs. Certainly not my family, or my co-workers. And even fewer who know I tried to kill myself. I'm a person with a lot of secrets. I wish I wasn't. I'm hoping this blog will let me slowly bring them to the light so I can finally put them all behind me.
I was really messed up about 5 years ago. I mean REALLY. Looking back now I see how crazy my thinking was but at the time it all made perfect sense. I had just dropped my kids off with their father. I cried he whole 1 1/2 hour long trip back to my house. I was at a place where I really felt that I corrupted every thing I touched and I didn't want to corrupt my children. Up until that point, I had always looked at suicides with scorn. I always thought of suicide as the most wanton act of selfishness possible. But all that long drive home, it's all I thought about.
I had a bunch of coke at home. More than I would ever do at once, but that night I decided the world would be a better place without me in it. At first I did all the coke. I thought I would o.d. and everyone would believe it was an accident. I sat in the tub so fucking coked out I couldn't stop shaking and I hated myself. I sat there with a hammer in my hand and I just kept hitting myself with it. I know it sounds crazy. It was crazy. I was crazy.
I finally realized I wasn't going to o.d. so I got out of the tub and found a box cutter. I stabbed myself in the wrist and pulled it down towards me. I bled so much. I was sitting there bleeding and bleeding and all I could think about was that I was ruining the carpet. So I got a towel and very lightly wrapped it around my arm to absorb the blood. I had a fight with my boyfriend earlier which wasn't the reason for this, but I was worried he would think so. To me the fight was just one more sign that I ruined everything I touched. I did not want to leave him thinking that it was his fault. I tried to call him but he didn't answer. I was frantic - I felt like I had to let him know it wasn't because of him. I called a friend of his. By this time, I was hyperventilating from the coke, and light-headed and cold from the loss of blood. His friend could tell something was wrong. He said he was going to hang up and call 911. But I told him I was just super high. I did not want to be stopped.
I wanted to die.
I finally convinced him I was ok and hung up.
I ended up emailing my boyfriend. Trying to explain. The towel around my wrist was completely soaked so I got another one and rewrapped my arm. When I was done, I laid down on the floor and waited to die. I felt so peaceful. For the first time in my life I just let go of everything. I have never forgotten that calm and peaceful feeling.
I woke up in the morning. At first I was really angry. I felt like I was such a complete and utter fuck-up that I couldn't even do this right. But I also took it as a sign. I wasn't meant to die. At least not by my own hand. I went to the store for gauze and the cashier bandaged my arm for me. I told her I hurt myself doing home repairs. That's the story I told everyone. Then I joined N.A.
I didn't go for long. I'm not trying to knock it. It works for some people. It just wasn't for me. All that talking about our old drug crazed escapades. It just made me want to relive them. I would sit in the meetings and want coke so bad it made my teeth hurt. I don't know how else to explain it.
What it did for me though was show me what my true addiction was. It showed me how much I hated myself and how hard I worked at hurting myself. My addiction wasn't coke, it was trying to destroy myself. I saw all the ways I had tried to do that in my life. From playing russian roulette and hitchhiking as a teenager to random sex with strangers, all the drugs I've done, and all the bad relationships I've been in. And every time I was in a relationship I was clean. No drugs. I didn't need to hurt myself with drugs because my bf or husband was doing it for me by beating the crap out of me, cheating on me, or just generally treating me like dirt.
I haven't done drugs since. Nothing. Nada. For me, self-knowledge has always been a powerful tool. I've avoided relationships with men. I don't trust myself enough yet to have a healthy relationship. I'm working on myself. It was hard at first. I've always used drugs to deal with the pain of my childhood. For the first time in my life I let myself feel the feelings instead of drugging them away. It hurt. It still hurts but not as much. I'm getting better. And I'm happy. Most importantly, I've learned to like myself. I think clearly now. I will NEVER do that again. Now I know, my children need me. Even though they're grown. I'm proud of them. And even though I'm ashamed for what I did, I've learned to forgive myself and be proud of myself for learning from it.
Wow. I didn't mean for this to be such a long and dark blog. Now you know, why I'm anonymous. I don't want the people I love to know these things about me. There are very few people who even knew I was doing drugs. Certainly not my family, or my co-workers. And even fewer who know I tried to kill myself. I'm a person with a lot of secrets. I wish I wasn't. I'm hoping this blog will let me slowly bring them to the light so I can finally put them all behind me.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
5 Question Fridays :)
I have not been doing really well at this blogging thing. I just can't find the time!
Yesterday I babysat. My daughter has kicked her boyfriend out 3 times in the last month. She works nights and he works days which means they don't have a daycare or babysitter. That means when she kicks him out her sister and I have to take turns watching the girls. It's getting old. Not the babysitting part, because I love those little monsters, but the on again off again with the boyfriend. She did the same thing with the boyfriend before him. Oh well, it's her decision and I need to just stay out of it!
Onward...my friend and fellow blogger posted a link to a new blog she's following. The blogger posts five questions every Friday for everyone to copy and paste into their own blogs. Here's the blog address: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/2010/06/five-question-friday-61110.html Sounded like fun to me so here goes:
1. What do you think makes a good friend, or friendship?
Honesty and trust are major for me. Anything I say to a friend in confidence should stay between the two of us. A lot of people say that you should be able to step into a good friendship even after not having talked to someone for ages and be able to pick up where you left off. That's true, to a point. But I think a good friendship requires work, just like any relationship. Maybe for whatever reason, you can't hang out, but you should be able to call or email or keep in touch some other way. Most importantly, a good friend is someone you can be wholly yourself with, someone who loves you unconditionally. I always think of my friends as the family I got to pick!
2. What is the last thing you bought & later regretted?
I bought a cd burner for my computer around 2 years ago. It's still in the box. One of these days...
3. Have you ever had a prank played on you?
Nothing major - just minor stuff. Like once, when I was new at my job they had me page Iwanna Mann. Yeah, stuff like that. lol
4. What is your favorite theme park?
I'm not a big fan of theme parks - they're too crowded and the lines are too damn long. I did enjoy Universal Studios though so I guess that would be my fav.
5. Have you ever seen someone else give birth?
My daughter had c-sections both times so while I was there at the hospital, I didn't get to see the actual births. That's the closest I've come.
Yesterday I babysat. My daughter has kicked her boyfriend out 3 times in the last month. She works nights and he works days which means they don't have a daycare or babysitter. That means when she kicks him out her sister and I have to take turns watching the girls. It's getting old. Not the babysitting part, because I love those little monsters, but the on again off again with the boyfriend. She did the same thing with the boyfriend before him. Oh well, it's her decision and I need to just stay out of it!
Onward...my friend and fellow blogger posted a link to a new blog she's following. The blogger posts five questions every Friday for everyone to copy and paste into their own blogs. Here's the blog address: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/2010/06/five-question-friday-61110.html Sounded like fun to me so here goes:
1. What do you think makes a good friend, or friendship?
Honesty and trust are major for me. Anything I say to a friend in confidence should stay between the two of us. A lot of people say that you should be able to step into a good friendship even after not having talked to someone for ages and be able to pick up where you left off. That's true, to a point. But I think a good friendship requires work, just like any relationship. Maybe for whatever reason, you can't hang out, but you should be able to call or email or keep in touch some other way. Most importantly, a good friend is someone you can be wholly yourself with, someone who loves you unconditionally. I always think of my friends as the family I got to pick!
2. What is the last thing you bought & later regretted?
I bought a cd burner for my computer around 2 years ago. It's still in the box. One of these days...
3. Have you ever had a prank played on you?
Nothing major - just minor stuff. Like once, when I was new at my job they had me page Iwanna Mann. Yeah, stuff like that. lol
4. What is your favorite theme park?
I'm not a big fan of theme parks - they're too crowded and the lines are too damn long. I did enjoy Universal Studios though so I guess that would be my fav.
5. Have you ever seen someone else give birth?
My daughter had c-sections both times so while I was there at the hospital, I didn't get to see the actual births. That's the closest I've come.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Epiphany
Sometimes a book is just a book. Something to do, to enjoy and nothing more. Same with a movie, or a song for that matter. Sometimes it strikes a chord and makes you realize something about yourself or helps you through something you're struggling with. This has happened to me several times.
The first time was after I decided to quit doing drugs. I'm not talking about a little weed here and there, I'm talking about mainlining speed, daily acid trips, and basically anything else I could get my hands on.
One night I had a bad acid trip. Bad enough that I almost didn't make it back. I can't describe it to anyone who hasn't been there. It was like I was dangling over this dark abyss of nothingness, holding on to something at the edge with just one hand. I felt like I barely managed to hold on and keep from falling. It made me realize I needed to stop. So I did - everything - and cold turkey.
I had a rough few weeks. Weeks where I didn't sleep because I had nightmares. Horrible nightmares which I woke from sitting up in bed, heart pounding, pulse racing and sweating rivers. I saw tracers for about 2-3 weeks afterwards. I also had panic attacks. Anytime I finally started to fall asleep a panic attack would come on. I thought I was losing it. I thought I was going to die.
Now being me, it never even crossed my mind to talk to anyone about it or seek help anywhere. I just dealt with it the best I could. Then, late one night I saw a Nightline on anxiety attacks. It made me realize I wasn't going crazy, that this was something others went through, that this was something I could beat.
I was reading Dune at the time. There's a litany in Dune that the characters use to face their fears. It goes like this "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
It may sound stupid to you but I used it whenever I had a panic attack. I used it and it worked. I stopped trying to fight them. I just let them come. I let them wash over me in waves and afterwards, there I was. Still ok, still me. Finally, it happened less and less often and it's been 5 years since I last had one.
Thank you Frank Herbert - I think you saved my sanity, if not my life.
The first time was after I decided to quit doing drugs. I'm not talking about a little weed here and there, I'm talking about mainlining speed, daily acid trips, and basically anything else I could get my hands on.
One night I had a bad acid trip. Bad enough that I almost didn't make it back. I can't describe it to anyone who hasn't been there. It was like I was dangling over this dark abyss of nothingness, holding on to something at the edge with just one hand. I felt like I barely managed to hold on and keep from falling. It made me realize I needed to stop. So I did - everything - and cold turkey.
I had a rough few weeks. Weeks where I didn't sleep because I had nightmares. Horrible nightmares which I woke from sitting up in bed, heart pounding, pulse racing and sweating rivers. I saw tracers for about 2-3 weeks afterwards. I also had panic attacks. Anytime I finally started to fall asleep a panic attack would come on. I thought I was losing it. I thought I was going to die.
Now being me, it never even crossed my mind to talk to anyone about it or seek help anywhere. I just dealt with it the best I could. Then, late one night I saw a Nightline on anxiety attacks. It made me realize I wasn't going crazy, that this was something others went through, that this was something I could beat.
I was reading Dune at the time. There's a litany in Dune that the characters use to face their fears. It goes like this "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
It may sound stupid to you but I used it whenever I had a panic attack. I used it and it worked. I stopped trying to fight them. I just let them come. I let them wash over me in waves and afterwards, there I was. Still ok, still me. Finally, it happened less and less often and it's been 5 years since I last had one.
Thank you Frank Herbert - I think you saved my sanity, if not my life.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Weirdo Wednesday
I toyed with the idea of calling this blog Wacky Wednesday but it's just so far beyond wacky... :)
I'm going to tell you about the dream I had last night. Let me preface this by saying that I am rarely myself in my dreams. Sometimes I'm a spectator, other times I play someone else - like a character in a
movie. The other people in my dreams are usually not people I know either. On to last night's dream...
Although it's never stated, I get the feeling this takes place in a post-apocalyptical world. We (me as someone else & an unknown male companion) are going on a journey. We need disguises. We're standing before a rack of hats, visors, etc. First I try on a white visor which doesn't fit. Then I choose a red baseball cap trimmed in black lace which fits perfectly. Awesome disguise, don't cha think? lol
We head out. We're traveling through a forest of some kind. We get to what appears to be a huge man-made reservoir. We lie down at the edge of this and look down at the HUGE fish we can see swimming in the water.
I'm letting my fingers trail in the water and a huge fish is rising towards them. As it gets closer I realize that it's not a fish - it is a huge beagle-sized, wart-covered, dark green frog. Male companion says "He wants you to pet him" My response "I'm not really into petting giant green frogs"
Now we are moving through the forest. We're discussing fishing. Male companion tells me his brother likes to fish in his septic tank. Gross!! He adds "My brother says he likes the stickiness of the things
he catches there" Double Gross!
The End.
Anyone care to analyze this? I'm at a loss.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
LOST!
I loved Lost. I am going to miss it. And I am especially going to miss Josh Holloway aka James Sawyer. Not only is he hot as hell but his character was also complex and interesting. The bad boy with the heart of gold. *Sigh*
But I digress. This blog is about the finale. I was really disappointed. I understand all the psycho babble about the sideways world being their limbo until they realized they were dead and were thus freed to move on. I can appreciate the symbolism of beginning the episode with Jack opening his eyes and ending it with him closing them.
But I still think it was a cop-out. They were dead? Seriously? I had hoped for better from the writers. Just seems to me like they took the easy way out. No need to explain anything because nothing was real. It left way too many unanswered questions. And yes, life is about the journey not the destination but let's face it. LOST was a TV show, not a religious experience. I want to know why Daniel and Charlotte and so many others weren't in the church? Because they didn’t realize they were dead? What was Desmond's part in all this? How was he a fail safe? Why the big deal about how special Walt was in the first season and then nothing? Why was Ben hiring Sayid to kill people? Why the mass genocide of the Dharma staff? What about Hurley and his 'cursed' numbers?
The writers explained that it was all about the characters. If so, what did we learn about them in the final episode that we didn't already know? The Island was of such great importance all along - everyone either wanted to save it or destroy it - then in the last episode the Island meant nothing. It felt to me as though the writers were out of ideas.
Possibly it was the best possible ending. Maybe they had taken the show in so many different directions that it was impossible to tie them all together. At least everyone ended up together. A happy ending of sorts.
Good night and good-bye Lost. I'll miss you.
I'm Fat!
I'm fat. and no, I'm not being hard on myself and I'm not exhibiting low self-esteem - just self-awareness. I could pretty it up by saying I'm voluptous or fluffy but those are just words fat people (and the people that love them) use to make it seem not quite so bad.
But you know what? I'm ok with being fat. That doesn't mean I've given up or that I'm one of those people who pretends I'd rather be fat than thin. Nope, just that in the present, in the here and now, I like myself just the way I am. Warts and all. Fat and all.
I remember a time when I was really thin and I thought I was HUGE. I wouldn't go to the pool if anyone else was out there. I played hooky from one work one day just to go to the pool when I thought no one would be there. Of course someone else had the same idea and came to the pool after I was already comfortably ensconced in my pool side lounge chair. I put my towel on one side and my bag on the other side (to hide my huge thighs) and laid there until everyone left. I laid there for HOURS. I laid there so long I blistered and thought I was going to die of heat stroke.
Looking back I see how ridiculous and downright stupid that was. I weighed about 110 lbs but that is not what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I saw ugly ugly ugly and fat.
Now I really am fat (lol) and when I look in the mirror I see the fat but I also see me. The me who raised three kids on her own, sometimes working 16-hour days to make sure they had a nice place to live, nice clothes, and food on the table, the me who survived childhood sexual abuse, drug and alcohol use, and two abusive marriages, the me who is finally going back to school, is still the eternal optimist, and who still believes in the overall goodness of people.
So yeah, I'm fat. Who cares? If all someone sees when they look at me is a fat middle-aged woman, then they're missing out. I'm a caterpillar now baby but one of these days I'll be a butterfly!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Hello Blogworld
So, I have friends who blog and I've always thought about blogging but figured , really? what do i have to talk about? then I started reading some blogs and realized most people just blog about their plain ole regular lives so...
I guess I'll start by telling ya'll a little about myself. 47 yrs old, 3 grown kids, been married 3 times. So yeah, I'm stubborn. lol While I am, in many ways, a very honest upfront person, I am also really private and don't share 'real' things with anyone.
Anyway, I need advice. Probably my main reason for starting this blog. I don't trust my own judgement, especially when it comes to men. I met a man on a dating site. He seems nice enough and we've been talking for a little over a month. He wants to come down and see me.
The thing is I liked his emails - they were funny, but his phone conversations are just BORING!! I don't like his voice (I know he can't help his voice but I just don't like it) and I'm usually doing something else while we're on the phone to keep from dying of boredom.
I'm trying to decide if I should go on with this planned meeting (next weekend) or call it off. A part of me says - you are just not interested in this guy - leave it alone, and another part says - lack of interest may be a good sign since the guys you're usually interested in always end up being total asswipes!
Dating in your mid-40's sucks. I keep hearing that 40-year olds have all the answers - well, let me tell you - I somehow missed the answer train. I don't know the rules anymore and 4 decades of assholes have made trust a real issue for me. I also have issues with sex (was sexually abused when i was 4-5 years old) and need a guy who is willing to get to know me and earn my trust before trying to jump in the sack with me. Does such a guy exist? I'm starting to think the proverbial 'nice guy' is just another urban legend right there with alligators in the sewers, and waking up in an ice-filled tub sans several organs.
Help!!
I guess I'll start by telling ya'll a little about myself. 47 yrs old, 3 grown kids, been married 3 times. So yeah, I'm stubborn. lol While I am, in many ways, a very honest upfront person, I am also really private and don't share 'real' things with anyone.
Anyway, I need advice. Probably my main reason for starting this blog. I don't trust my own judgement, especially when it comes to men. I met a man on a dating site. He seems nice enough and we've been talking for a little over a month. He wants to come down and see me.
The thing is I liked his emails - they were funny, but his phone conversations are just BORING!! I don't like his voice (I know he can't help his voice but I just don't like it) and I'm usually doing something else while we're on the phone to keep from dying of boredom.
I'm trying to decide if I should go on with this planned meeting (next weekend) or call it off. A part of me says - you are just not interested in this guy - leave it alone, and another part says - lack of interest may be a good sign since the guys you're usually interested in always end up being total asswipes!
Dating in your mid-40's sucks. I keep hearing that 40-year olds have all the answers - well, let me tell you - I somehow missed the answer train. I don't know the rules anymore and 4 decades of assholes have made trust a real issue for me. I also have issues with sex (was sexually abused when i was 4-5 years old) and need a guy who is willing to get to know me and earn my trust before trying to jump in the sack with me. Does such a guy exist? I'm starting to think the proverbial 'nice guy' is just another urban legend right there with alligators in the sewers, and waking up in an ice-filled tub sans several organs.
Help!!
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